A True Story: Sexting, Ice Cream, And Diet Haters
Posted by Michael Vacanti
I’M STILL GONNA SEND NUDE PICTURES TO GUYS!
Her words bellowed louder than necessary.
It was clear she wanted to be overheard.
Holding back a smirk, she continued addressing her friend:
I WILL NOT LET ONE GUY STOP ME FROM SENDING NAKED SELFIES!
At that point, the hero of our story, Sammy, had to enter the conversation.
From a seat nearby, he turned his head and raised his eyebrows.
Both girls burst out laughing.
SEVERAL YEARS EARLIER…
I want to tell you a story.
A story about a Snake named Sammy.
Sammy was not particularly good looking for a snake.
He didn’t slither very often nor quickly, and he ate far too much goat (high fat) and almost never touched his cockroach (high protein).
Sammy had a droopy snake belly to match his swollen snake face; for these (societally perceived) less-than-desirable traits, he was often bullied in school by the all of his lion, eagle, and badger classmates.
One day, a combination of factors rocked Sammy’s world.
Sammy’s crush, Lisa the lion, said she loved him… as a friend.
Soon thereafter, Lisa started dating Jeremy the lion.
Sammy could not understand this.
Not only was Jeremy’s name not an alliteration, but Jeremy was the most intolerable lion at school!
Jeremy thought he was better than everyone, and he didn’t treat Lisa very well.
Further, Jeremy bullied Sammy incessantly, often hanging Sammy upside down by the tail.
Depressed about Lisa, and sick of being bullied, Sammy faced two choices:
He could find a sense of belonging by joining a cult of dark snakes, dead set on spreading evil throughout the animal kingdom and murdering all non-animals.
Or he could do what most animals only dreamed but most never did.
He could get on a (snake) regimen.
Start eating more cockroaches and less goat.
Start slithering a few days per week and pulling heavy objects like fallen tree branches.
It would be hard.
And Sammy would be uncomfortable, both physically and mentally.
He knew he might fail.
And that he would be embarrassed if he did.
The worst part… Sammy knew that to succeed would take a long time.
Maybe a year.
Maybe 18 months.
Maybe longer… consistently and patiently putting in the work.
He was torn.
On the one hand, he desperately wanted to change.
He wanted to be lean and strong so other animals stopped bullying him and gave him respect.
On the other hand, he wasn’t sure he could suffer the embarrassment of failing.
It was a normal September afternoon when everything changed.
Sammy was about to eat lunch in the field.
As he looked up from the goat he was preparing to swallow whole, Sammy noticed something off in the distance; Lisa and Jeremy were rolling around in the meadow together.
Sammy’s throat dropped to his tail.
He instinctively pushed the dead goat aside and hissed at the top of his lungs (yes, snakes have lungs),
Golly gee darn it! I am a living, breathing snake! I’m going to make something of my life!!!
He started slithering around the field as fast as he could.
Other animals stared at him, but Sammy didn’t care.
He slithered two laps on the first day.
Then three laps the next day.
On the third day, Sammy saw a fallen tree branch and pulled that behind him until he could barely breathe.
Sammy started eating cockroaches.
He found out about snakros, and he started tracking those.
It was pretty tedious at first, but there was a Lion named Mike who helped him.
Other animals saw Sammy pulling tree branches around during recess, but they didn’t think much of it.
The goat eaters were happy to have more goat, and the cockroach eaters who happened to also be tree-branch-pullers were a strangely welcoming bunch.
Those first few days became a week.
And Sammy strung the weeks together into months.
Before he knew it, he has been on the snake reg for almost 100 days.
Sammy had momentum.
And while he still had a bit of a snake belly, everyone was noticing the change.
Sammy had never felt better in his entire life.
When Sammy took the snake train home for snakesgiving, his family noticed the change and they were proud of him!
Back at school in late snovember, many lions, eagles, badgers, and all of his fellow snakes cheered Sammy on. Though most of them were still faster, had smaller bellies, and could pull bigger tree branches.
But they were happy to see Sammy make progress.
This was the first time Sammy ever received positive recognition in his life.
That lit a fire in Sammy’s shrinking belly.
He wanted more.
Sammy started slithering faster and further and more often.
He ate more cockroaches and even broke his snakros into training day and rest day.
Sammy talked about the “snake reg” nonstop.
Those last few weeks of fall snamester were the best of Sammy’s life.
But all good things must end…
At home on snoliday break, Sammy’s family would say things like:
why are you COUNTING cockroaches, why can’t you just enjoy them??
You can have SOME goat, Sammy!
OMG, you are obsessed!!!
Do you HAVE to go slither for one hour today… I thought you were home to hang out with us, not slither!
At first, Sammy was shaken.
He questioned his intent.
Was his sfamily right?
Had Sammy become a snelfish, snelf-absorbed, slither-freak?
Sammy phoned some of his new friends from school.
They said they had gone through this too.
Mike the Lion told Sammy that these situations usually have more to do with the insecurity of the criticizer rather than the behavior of the animal receiving criticism.
Another friend went as far as to say that anyone telling you to get off the snegimen is a piece of snit and can burn in snell.
Sammy wasn’t completely sold on that last bit, but at the time he sure appreciated the words of support.
It was just the reassurance he needed to remind Sammy of his mission.
He was as fast and lean as he had ever been.
He felt as good as he ever had.
Sammy was happier than he ever remembered being.
However, the reason he slithered and tracked his snakros was no longer to make his belly shrink.
That was just the initial motivator.
Well, that and Lisa the lion.
But now, the visual changes were just a nice perk!
This was a new way of life for Sammy.
He did it because doing it made him feel better.
When Sammy boarded the train to go back to school…
it was the first time in his life that he was excited to be leaving home.
Sammy immediately met up with his friends where they exchanged stories about Snismas while pulling trees across the field.
The snemester flew by that spring.
Sammy’s snake belly was basically gone, and Mike the Lion advised Sammy it might be time to focus on growing and strengthening his scales.
That summer, Sammy stayed at school rather than going home, and he enjoyed snacation with his friends while continuing to make scale gains.
After a quick week home in August, fall snemester began.
Sammy focused on losing his belly again, and that fall he got snredded.
16 months after starting the snegimen, Sammy’s body had completely transformed from nose to tail.
…The following Snismas eve…
At dinner with his family, once everyone was finished eating… Sammy kept going.
He ate two plates. Then three. Then four.
Sammy ate cockroaches and goat and rats and mice and chicken and lizards and eggs and even a gift from Mike the Lion called “Cherry Garcia.”
He ate and ate and ate.
He laughed, enjoyed himself, embraced his family’s company, and he ate some more.
Sammy’s family barely gave him a hard time about the snegimen anymore. Or it could have been that Sammy developed such enormous confidence that he didn’t even notice.
A few days after Snismas…
Sammy slithered to the snupermarket to enjoy some Salenti gelato.
He overheard two cute badgers talking loudly.
Then, out of no where, Lisa the Lion appeared.
It had been over a year since Sammy talked to Lisa, avoiding her in school at all costs.
She didn’t look like she had been following any sort of snegimen herself, which Sammy later admitted brought him more joy than it should have.
SAMMY! How are you?? OMG, did you eat ALL of that Salenti gelato?!
“Sure did,” belched Sammy.
Ugh, must be nice having that metabolism.
Sammy’s initial instinct was to feel defensive.
He worked so hard to lose his snake belly.
And even harder to grow his scales.
It took consistent effort for months to even see progress.
And a full 16 months to get where he was today.
While Lisa’s comment irritated Sammy, it was nothing like the feeling of being made fun of for counting his cockroaches.
Those comments hurt him to this core.
That shame almost made him quit the snegimen.
Sammy was not the same snake he was 16 months ago.
The transformation changed him.
He was physically and mentally stronger.
This version was unshakeable.
Not only happier, but also confident.
Sammy looked up at a flustered Lisa the lion,
Yep, it’s my metabolism 😉
He said dismissively before shooting Lisa a wink.
Then Sammy turned to the two cute badgers talking loudly next to him,
I absolutely think you should continue to send nude selfies to boys.
Both of the badgers burst out laughing.
Lisa the Lion hmmphed as she angrily stomped off.
And Sammy lived happily ever after.
Addendum: Okay okay, so it’s not a completely true story.
But Lily Potter really did choose James over Severus.
Many of my clients really have been shamed by their families for trying to make positive changes in their health and fitness.
And I really did interrupt a conversation two women were having about sexting in the upstairs area of Whole Foods while a random 3rd party berated me for eating ice cream while simultaneously being jacked.
One last thing: if you have not read my free Beginner’s Fitness Guide you should do that right now.